At the grave with family members, remembering her birth day!

It was an experience yesterday. The tears didn't really flow for me, just still in shock that she is gone. Lea loved her birthday so much, celebrating another year of growth and beauty. It's hard to even think she is 6 ft under and we were sitting right on top of her! Now all I can think about is how to make her burial plot the best, ever!
August 25, 2007

Remember

Remember, shit I want to forget this every happen. When will this nightmare end? I hate the fact of her being gone and I have to relive it everyday! I'm sick of crying, I'm sick of the silent depression, I'm sick of knowing this isn't a dream and she is not coming back.

I don't want to forget her, just want to be with her, around her, hearing her heels click up the stairs, her smart and sassy remarks, rouge lips with a kool-aid smile, and her greedy appetite.

Hear My Cry, Lord.

This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him and saved him out of all his troubles. PSALM 34:6

Tears can fall during joyous occasion such
as a wedding or the birth of a child, as well as
when painful things-like stubbing your toe or
having a tooth extracted-occur. Then again,
tears can be prompted by sadness such as
==going through a divorce or losing a loved one.
Shedding tears is nothing to be ashamed of.
In fact, crying is evidence that you are human
and that you have feelings. The important thing
is having someone close by who understands your tears.
Christ Jesus cried at the report of the death
of Lazarus. His tears may have been an expression
of sadness at the death of His friend, or they
could have represented His joy in knowing
Lazarus would soon be brought back to life.
He may also have cried over the unbelief or lack of
faith that was evident in those around Him.
So, go ahead and cry. Cry when you are
happy. Let the tears fall when you are sad.
God has promised to be with you through
everything you face.

taken from the book Breath Prayers for African Americans

I feel ashamed, what can I do!

There are plenty of mother's out there! Some just are that, mothers. Some go a little further, some are involved in actives, some just don't give a damn, and some are lost.But my sister was great, stupendous, spectacular in all area's! She loved her son more then life itself and was very involved in his life. She wanted him to have the best, not in clothing, but in school, life, friends, the world around him and with what she had she tried to give it to him!

But with what is going on now I know she would not be pleased. So much bullshit has happen since my sisters death, I know she is turning in her grave. Her son is not in a good place and as a sister, I can't do a damn thing. And I feel ashamed cause with all of the things I know we could have made sure something was in place before this murderous event occurred. I mean shit I didn't want my sister to die but we could have been prepared and I'm sure my sister knows that and is pointing her finger at me.

So now her son is from house to house with his father whom never gave a damn before, when my sister was alive. Now since she is dead he wants to play father only because he knows since my sister was killed by her boyfriend and she didn't file the divorce before her death. Her so called husband wants to claim a wrongful death suit.

Who the fuck is he, they weren't together. He had just got off of a restraining order that had been put on him from her. He hadn't been taking care of his son they have together. So now her son is suffering cause nothing was put in place before her death. The father has just took the son and because he house hoops we can find him.

My sister is having a fit, so am I and my mother. We are trying to do what we can and hopefully the Lord will guide the light cause Lea can't be resting in a painful situation like this. A person who is only out for greed can not succeed!

She's Dead but she was ---The Best of the Best

My sister was very giving, to the point of obsession, I think! But that is what made her such a wonderful human being, everyone got a taste of what she had to offer in this life! She has been giving to me since my birth, since she is 11 yrs my senior. And for a while it was enjoyable until it became overwhelming.

I am totally the opposite of Lea, while she likes to shop, buy presents and remember peoples birthday's. I like to be in the house, figuring things out on the internet and learning how to do new things! But that made us the perfect sister pair. She did what I couldn't do well and visa versa.

But Lea also loved to receive and it was so hard for me because when I thought of gifts, I thought of unique things, but it seems that Lea almost had everything so it was really hard to give her anything. To the point where I just gave up trying. Now that she is gone I regret not trying hard enough... Cause I have all the mementos that she have gave me over the years or at least the ones I've kept.

She loved to give me sister books, and poetry books because I write and love poetry.

Those who bring
sunshine to the lives
of others cannot keep
it from themselves.
----James M. Barrie
A Little Book; Hugs for Sisters

Amazon.com: hugs for sisters: Books

Damn This Fucked Up Piece of Shit World!

I'm sick to my stomach with disgust! Of our world today, women are dying from the violence behind men! Ruining lives after lives after lives! And it seemed so distant, but I have touch this so untouchable vile of disgrace. And it has pledged my family with an odor that is besieging our every step. The one death feels not like one but like undertaken of many. And the hearts it has broken, I'm sure the valleys hear the silent cries and growling mourns of this loss.

To those who have loss a loved one hold on to those still alive, there children, grandchildren, those whom loved them and lost them too! There nothing like losing, but there is nothing like, Love!

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence