Catch 22

I wonder if things were the other way around. If I had got killed how would she be able to deal. Lea was very emotional. Not like we all aren't. But we all had a place in are small family. Mom is mom our teacher. Lea was our fashionista, designer, remember of all dates big or small and emotional spirit. I am the tech no guru, informations giver, and give it to you like it is.

I couldn't her imagine her going threw this. Her fragile self. Lea was to much of a girlie, girl. Not to say I'm handling it well, especially if it was the same circumstances. But at the same time I'm glad she doesn't have to go threw this, but unhappy that she had to go threw that. I guess it's a catch 22!

I feel ashamed, what can I do!

There are plenty of mother's out there! Some just are that, mothers. Some go a little further, some are involved in actives, some just don't give a damn, and some are lost.But my sister was great, stupendous, spectacular in all area's! She loved her son more then life itself and was very involved in his life. She wanted him to have the best, not in clothing, but in school, life, friends, the world around him and with what she had she tried to give it to him!

But with what is going on now I know she would not be pleased. So much bullshit has happen since my sisters death, I know she is turning in her grave. Her son is not in a good place and as a sister, I can't do a damn thing. And I feel ashamed cause with all of the things I know we could have made sure something was in place before this murderous event occurred. I mean shit I didn't want my sister to die but we could have been prepared and I'm sure my sister knows that and is pointing her finger at me.

So now her son is from house to house with his father whom never gave a damn before, when my sister was alive. Now since she is dead he wants to play father only because he knows since my sister was killed by her boyfriend and she didn't file the divorce before her death. Her so called husband wants to claim a wrongful death suit.

Who the fuck is he, they weren't together. He had just got off of a restraining order that had been put on him from her. He hadn't been taking care of his son they have together. So now her son is suffering cause nothing was put in place before her death. The father has just took the son and because he house hoops we can find him.

My sister is having a fit, so am I and my mother. We are trying to do what we can and hopefully the Lord will guide the light cause Lea can't be resting in a painful situation like this. A person who is only out for greed can not succeed!

She's Dead but she was ---The Best of the Best

My sister was very giving, to the point of obsession, I think! But that is what made her such a wonderful human being, everyone got a taste of what she had to offer in this life! She has been giving to me since my birth, since she is 11 yrs my senior. And for a while it was enjoyable until it became overwhelming.

I am totally the opposite of Lea, while she likes to shop, buy presents and remember peoples birthday's. I like to be in the house, figuring things out on the internet and learning how to do new things! But that made us the perfect sister pair. She did what I couldn't do well and visa versa.

But Lea also loved to receive and it was so hard for me because when I thought of gifts, I thought of unique things, but it seems that Lea almost had everything so it was really hard to give her anything. To the point where I just gave up trying. Now that she is gone I regret not trying hard enough... Cause I have all the mementos that she have gave me over the years or at least the ones I've kept.

She loved to give me sister books, and poetry books because I write and love poetry.

Those who bring
sunshine to the lives
of others cannot keep
it from themselves.
----James M. Barrie
A Little Book; Hugs for Sisters

Amazon.com: hugs for sisters: Books

Im responsible for her death

Me and my sister were real close. Closer then I really knew or were paying attention too. Over the years we grew closer then our 11 yr separation. She told me things I don’t think I handled to well.

And in Those ways, I blame myself for her death. In confidence she confessed to me, what her murdered had confessed to her. Instead of telling somebody who could really do something about it, I just gave my opinion and kept my mouth closed just like she asked. I know that is what a good friend does, but not what a wise friend or caring sister should have.

I should have told my mother, I normally find a way to tell her everything anyway. I’m sure my sister knew that. Probably why she told me, thinking I would some how get it to my mom. Why the fuck didn't I say any thing? Would it have prevented her death? I'm not sure of anything and want get any answers now. But I sure feel like I failed this test!

Family Broken So Now Dreams Haunt Me

I mean were a small, close family and this man decided to go and kill the heart of it and think it wouldn’t change some shit. Yeah it changed a lot of shit alright, mental states of mind. My mom is getting depressed, crying all the time. And I’m just stuck in my house not knowing what to do with myself, no motivation to continue things without my sister.

But I can't just drown myself in the misery that is Lea's death. I have to move forward towards something. What that is I'm not quite sure yet.

I was afraid of dreams that might come from her death and tried to avoid them at all cost. But they have managed to catch up with me. So realistic the dreams, I wake up knowing she is alive and any minute she will be calling me.

I know in the dreams she's trying to tell me something. What is it she could be saying? She looks so happy, how I will always remember her

Helpless in a Murder Situation

I feel so helpless in this situation, my nephew is gone and he acts as if he doesn’t want to come and be with us. He would rather be with his father whom he had minimal relation with, I’m not saying he was around me all the time, but he knows that around here there are no drugs, violence and there is food, love and support. I can’t say the same for his dad. Here we provide all the comfort that his mom did maybe not just like she did but close enough. I just don’t know what to do, cause I would just x the father out, since he has been so vicious in his pursuit in getting our Lil Matt, knowing damn well he is only after some money.

But it’s been a battle since the very beginning. Who battles in a death situation, we all should be grieving, but no, my sister has been played around here like some ghetto Anna Nicole. The husband she was suppose to had divorced wants all of the assets she doesn’t have, wants the son that he never could take care of before her death. Crazy bull shit if I’d ever say so myself.

And he is now trying to keep my nephew away from the only family he really knows and has known. Me, his aunt and his grandma.

Parenting, Pregnancy, Conception, Baby Names, Online Parenting Articles & More at Parenthood.com - Parenthood.com

Lea and Lil Matt
Originally uploaded by prettydamndevine